You're in the Koopa Troop now
by gh43
Summary: Mario is unwittingly drafted into Bowser's army. He has to work with the dysfunctional members of his Koopa Troop in order to save the Dark Lands from a terrifying alien race. Or at least, as terrifying as Shroobs can get. Joint fic with StarVix.
1. Forgotten Truce

**Disclaimer: Neither StarVix or I own Mario, Publisher Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, McDonalds, or Santa Claus. We did, however, invent the Screaming Weevil Pit. (For more information, see the Authors notes at the end of the chapter.)**

* * *

Ten years ago, when the evil Smithy invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and invaded Bowser's Keep, in order to justify working with his sworn enemy, Mario, Bowser made him an official member of the Koopa Troop. He never bothered to take the effort to erase his name from the Dark Land's reserve membership, and both Bowser and Mario forgot all about it.

Five months ago, or twenty-seven years ago, it could go either way for those involved, Princess Shroob and her ugly big sister invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and the Mario's, in a stunning deviation from character, killed them both. (Granted, they didn't have access to whatever it was that let Bowser return from certain death, but then again, Nintendo didn't need to use them as repeat villains. But I digress.)

Now, the thing about the Shroob sisters was that they were _Princesses_, and that means that there probably was a King and Queen responsible for their birth. Most people assumed that, like the King and Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, the King and Queen of the Shroobs were strange, non existent beings that you talked about but knew were a myth, like Santa Claus or McDonald's Customer Service Manager. But unlike the Customer Service Manager, the King and Queen of the Shroobs really did exist, and had spent the last five months (Or twenty-seven years) gathering up their forces for an all-out attack that made the Princesses' invasion look like a friendly, 'How do you do?'

And, even though the Koopas had nothing whatsoever to do with the Shroob's defeat and Bowser had actually tried to help Princess Shroob's ugly big sister, they decided to invade Dark Land first. How's that for gratitude?

For the first time in ten years Bowser called all the troops at Dark Land's disposal into battle. He hadn't needed them all to invade Mushroom Kingdom, don't you see, because the Toads were a race of weenies who couldn't fight if the Princess's safety depended on it. (They'd proved it often enough.)

So Bower's call to duty went out, and Dark Land's computers started printing letters informing reserve members that they were now active members.

This is where our story begins. . .

"Mail call!" chirped Parakarry happily. "Somewhere, someone wants Mario to do something that will endanger the lives of millions, because he never gets a letter otherwise."

Mario's brother, Luigi, gave Parakarry a strange look and muttered something about needing bed rest, then took the letter inside. It was, naturally, addressed to Mario, because nobody bothered to send Luigi anything except the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, and for some reason they thought his name was 'Main Occupant,' no matter how many times he called them to set the record straight.

Mario was eating pasta, the only thing he ever seems allowed to eat. At least, I've never read about him eating anything else. Except maybe Koopa Tea, which I hear tastes lovely and doesn't actually have Koopa in it. You know, like Hot Dogs. Or Grapes.

The portly plumber paused from his meal and opened his letter, which had no address save one of those Bowser Head things they use whenever they show Bowser's letters on Mario Party. The letter read:

_Dear Loser/Girl Loser:_

_Guess what? It's your lucky day, because I decided you_

_can get off of your lazy, good for nothing rump and actually_

_DO something for once. That's right, I'm calling you to active_

_military service! Report to Bowser's Keep S.T.A.T. or I'll _

_personally throw you in the Screaming Weevil* pit!_

_That goes for your Mom, too!_

_King Koopa (Bowser)_

Mario read it. Then he blinked. Then he read it again. Then he blinked some more. Then he read it one more time. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he passed out.

He came too in a bright white place, in a bright white bed, with a bright white IV cable strapped to his wrist. He felt a surge of hope; perhaps he'd had a fatal heart attack and consequentially had avoided Bower's draft. Then Luigi and a doctor came in, and Mario's hopes fell farther than a kid's smile after learning that his Mom was making liver for dinner.

"Mario, I'm so glad you're awake," said a relieved Luigi.

"Luigi, how long have I been unconscious?" asked Mario, clutching onto a last, solitary shred of hope. Perhaps he'd been in a coma for years and had missed the draft that way.

"Um, about fifteen minutes," said Luigi, not realizing he'd unwittingly betrayed his best and only brother.

Mario's eyes teared up and he handed Luigi the letter which was, amazingly, still clutched in his right hand. This was incredible because 1. he'd clutched it unconsciously for fifteen minutes and while in the hospital and 2. Being left-handed, Mario had had the paper in his left hand while he was reading it.

"What's this?" asked Luigi. "A letter from Bowser? What, is he blackmailing you? Threatening your loved ones? Gloating about drinking all your Chuckola Cola?"

"Worse," sobbed Mario. "He's drafting me!"

Luigi looked at Mario. He blinked. He looked at the note. He blinked again. He looked back at Mario. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he passed out.

Ten minutes later when he came to, Luigi whimpered, "Isn't this why we left Brooklyn?"

"Yes," said Mario sadly. "But they say the government always catches up to you in the end." He looked at the paper and sighed. "You know I have to go."

"We could move to BeanBean Kingdom," Luigi argued. "Or Detroit."

Mario shook his head. "It wouldn't work. For one thing, I'm already risking deportation if the U.S. government finds me, and I don't think I could live with the risk of the Screaming Weevil Pit**, too."

Luigi sniffled. "Be careful, Mario," he said.

"Aw, come on, it's Bowser's Koopa Troop," Mario said soothingly as he made his way out the door and to Bowser's Keep. "We'll have lost and I'll be back home in no time."

* * *

*StarVix's Author's Note: There are over 60,000 species of Weevil, and interestingly enough, only the Screaming Weevil, found only in Bowser's Screaming Weevil Pit, is carnivorous. The rest are herbivorous, content to give people diseases they leave on the crops they munch on.

Screaming Weevils like to give people diseases, too, but unlike the other 59,999 species of weevil, they are not content to leave it at that. The Screaming Weevil's diet consists of the brains of the people Bowser throws into the pits. They never eat anything else, and some speculate that they only eat brains because Bowser never bothers to throw down any crops for them to munch on.

**Gh43's Author's Note: In the olden days, Koopas would throw in would-be political leaders into the pits to see if they were eligible for leadership. The theory was, the better suited they were, the bigger their brains were, thusly, the longer the weevil's would feast on them. Unfortunately, usually this resulted in death. This meant only morons with little or no brain could become political leaders.

Interestingly enough, the same method is currently in use for determining members of the U.S. Congress.


	2. Mario is Mine, Hey!

**Disclaimer: Mario is mine, hey! Mario is mine, hey!...No, wait…Never mind. I also don't own Bowser, the ball in the cup game, or Playskool. StarVix owns none of them either, but she didn't do the catchy Mario is mine dance, so she doesn't count.**

* * *

Mario stared at Bowser's Keep, and for the first time since Shigeru Miamoto came up with the idea of a fat Italian plumber consistently beating the daylights out of a giant turtle/dragon/porcupine thing, he realized it was a very dark and creepy place.

Gulping dramatically, he walked up to the palace guards and held up the letter. "Um, I think there's been some mistake—" he started. He never got to tell them about the mistake, however, because the guards woke up and got a good look at him.

"It's Mario!" shrieked one.

"Run like incompetent slackers!" ordered the other.

Then they both ran like a couple of chickens with their heads cut off, and fell right into a lava pit, where they both fried like incompetent slackers.

Mario, who was admittedly processing things a little slower than normal, what with the shock and all, stared at where they had been for a second and then coughed nervously. "I uh…I guess I have to register inside, then?" he asked nobody in particular, since both of the people who were supposed to be there were now eligible as menu items at KFC.* Nobody would buy them, because that would be disgusting, but you get the general idea.

The red capped draftee pushed open the large double doors and walked into a dimly lit, seemingly endless, creepy hallway. (Ever notice that all dark, creepy castles tend to have dark, long, creepy hallways? It's so clichéd it's not even scary anymore. Why don't you ever open large double doors of a dark, creepy castle and find something really scary? Like an endless array of phones all ringing with telemarketers on every line but one, which is currently being used by your mother-in-law? Now, _that's_ scary.)

Mario started down the hallway and got completely lost. It was easy to do, because all those doors looked alike and since Bowser wasn't expecting him, he hadn't set the directory out. (Even Bowser has better things to do than wait for an eternity while Mario tries to figure out how to navigate his castle.)

Finally, after the plumber had given up all hope of escape or rescue and was debating the best way to leave his will on a red cap having only nose hairs to write with, he inadvertently stumbled into the main throne room, where Bowser was sitting, entertaining himself with one of those plastic ball and cup things.

Bowser hadn't quite mastered the art of actually getting the stupid ball _into _the cup, but that was because the game was, quite obviously, rigged. The makers of the Ball and Cup game, in Bowser's mind, were evil little twisted sickos who lived for the cheep thrill of watching losers try to get the giant ball into the little bitty cup, knowing that it could not be done. But the King of the Koopas would show them! He'd not only get the ball into the cup, then shove it into their smug faces with a 'Ha! How do you like me now?', he'd also execute them for designing it in the first place. Take that, evil Playskool corporation!

Bowser was so into his ball and cup that he hadn't noticed Mario had collapsed into the room, in a panicked frenzy, falling flat on his face while muttering something obscure about nose hair wills. In fact, if Mario hadn't cleared his throat and tapped Bowser on the shoulder, Bowser would still be sitting on his throne with his ball and cup, vowing vengeance on evil preschool toymakers and this would be the shortest and most disappointing fan fiction in the history of creation.

However, Mario did tap Bowser on the shoulder, causing the Koopa King to scream like a six year old little girl and nearly jump out of his shell.

Bowser, panting and gasping and looking very much like a bloated pufferfish with a big, green shell, looked about wildly, trying to figure out who in the dickens just tapped him over the shoulder. He looked at Mario. He blinked slightly. Mario looked at him. Bowser blinked again.

Finally the self proclaimed King of Koopas cleared his throat and said, "Don't DO that!"

"Sorry," Mario said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "See, normally I wouldn't barge in like this, but you see, I have a—"

It would seem that Mario just wasn't fated to finish any of his sentences this day, because Bowser paled considerably and blurted, "I destroyed the evidence! You don't have any proof!"

"What?" asked Mario, visibly startled.

"You mean you aren't here because of those fake jury duty notices I sent you?" Bowser asked, turning a lovely magenta because of embarrassment.

"Ah, no. Luigi loves jury duty. It makes him think he actually has a life. So I give him all my notices and he pretends he's me. I think that's why so many people mistake him for me, but we really don't have time to go into that right now," Mario explained shrugging.

"Oh," Bowser furrowed his brow, trying to think of past sins that would bring Mario to his doorstep. "Is this about that time I broke into your house and drunk all your Chuckola Cola?"

Mario shook his head. "I was trying to cut down anyway," he admitted.

"Huh. Well, if that's not it, is it about the nasty rumors I spread about you?"

Mario coughed slightly, turned an interesting shade of pink, and muttered, "That was not very nice, but no, I'm not here about the nasty rumors. Besides, I may have spread one or two of my own…"

"Are you the one who started that one about my dietary habits?" asked Bowser, his face darkening. "Because I swore if I ever got my hands on the dingbat who did that, I'd wring his scrawny little…"

"You know, none of that matters now, because I'm not here about that," Mario interrupted, beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead. Because there was a chance that he _might_ have had something to do with the dietary rumor, but he was 95 percent sure that it was true, and besides, Bowser started it.**

Bowser nodded, thinking again. Finally he said quietly, "This can't be about that time when we were working together to stop Smithy and we went to that hotel and I went through your suitcase while you were asleep and used your toothbrush and accidentally—ok, not accidentally, but I dropped it in the toilet and put it back into your suitcase, because that was years ago and if you hadn't figured it out by now you probably never will."

"No, it's not about—YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH AND THEN DROPPED IT IN THE TOILET!?! OH, GROSS, EW, ICK!!! BOWSER!!! YOU SICKO!!!" Mario screamed and started running in a frantic little circles, pawing at his tongue with a wild, frantic look in his eyes that would scare any sane individual who wasn't a sicko.

Bowser, who's sanity is debated and who is, without a doubt, a sicko, was not the least bit disturbed by the decidedly disturbing scene he was witnessing. Instead, he just sighed once again proved the Blast It Law of Averages*** by saying, "Did I say that out loud? Blast it!"

When Mario finally calmed down a bit and caught his breath, he said, "I'm not here about any of that—although you _will_ regret that toothbrush incident if I have anything to say about it, and I do—right now, however, I'm here about this." And he handed Bowser the letter.

Bowser read the letter. He blinked. He read the letter again. He blinked again. He read the letter one more time to make sure he was reading it correctly. He blinked again and read it one more time to check the spelling. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he passed out.

Mario waited patiently for him to wake up, thinking amusing thoughts about how to get the Koopa King back for the toothbrush incident.

Finally, Bowser's eyes opened and he muttered, "It's a draft notice."

"I know."

"From Dark Land."

"I know."

"Telling you to report for active duty."

"I know!"

The figurative wheels in Bowser's mind began churning, then his eyes lit up. He jumped up and started doing River stomp, of all things.

"That means I _own_ you!" he squealed, clapping his hands, looking a good deal like a kid at Christmas. "And _that_ means that I might win this time!"

Mario watched with a growing dread in the pit of his stomach that said he might not get out of this draft after all.

"Mario is mine! Mario is mine!" Bowser chanted, kicking up his River stomp into double time. "Hey, get down to the courtyard so they can assign you to your squad, my Spaghetti Slurping Slave! Mario is mine, hey! Mario is mine, hey! Mario is mine…"

Mario sighed dramatically and left to go to the courtyard and to his imminent doom.

And immediately got lost again.

* * *

* If you go to KFC and take a bite out of anything that is decidedly NOT chicken, don't say we didn't warn you.

** See Mushroom Gazette Issue 64902#, there's some pretty juicy stuff in there. (I can't believe he actually said _that..._)

*** The Blast It Law of Averages, stating by Average Joe Snook of Squanto, Samoset, states that whenever you drop someone else's toothbrush in the toilet and put it back, the longer you go without someone finding out increases the chances of you referencing the incident yourself at an inopportune time by 27.8 percent. Afterwards, there is a 278 percent chance that you will yell, "Blast it!" at the top of your lungs. He also stated the I Can't Believe You Did That, You Sicko! Law of Reprisals, which states that after you use the Blast It Law of Averages, the person who's toothbrush you dropped will never again invite you to any of his/her slumber parties, and will also call all of your other friends and make sure they never invite you to any of their parties, either, so for the rest of your life you are a social shut-in, whose only source of fun is stating stupid laws.


	3. Meet the M Squad

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mario. I don't own StarVix. We both share ownership of the Corporal, the General, the Sergeant, and the M Squadron. **

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It took precisely ten hours, forty-two minutes, and sixteen seconds for Mario to find the Courtyard where all the reserve members were being assigned their squadrons.

He half-walked, half-stumbled to where a small table had been set up, and three people in military uniform, one being a Paratroopa, one a red-shelled Koopa, and one, oddly enough, was a Puni of Boggly Woods.

Mario leaned against the table and held up a finger, gasping for breath. Then, gulping deeply, he looked at the three military figures and managed to gasp out, "What's a Puni doing here? Aren't you the good guys?"

The Puni frowned and said, "Of course not! We've been on King Bowser's payroll for centuries, you bozo!"

Mario's eyes furrowed and he said, "Then how come I never saw any of you until the Thousand Year Door thing?"

The Puni stomped his cute little paw on the table and yelled, "Listen here, you! For one thing, lots of bad guys were portrayed as good guys in the bloody Paper Mario series! It means nothing! And for another thing, what do you _mean_ you never saw any of us before then?! We're more common to Bowser's army than the stupid Goombas!"

Mario frowned, not at all understanding. Then his eyes widened as he realized what that meant.

***FLASHBACK*  
**

Mario was tracking down Bowser and Princess Peach for the first time. He squinted into the sunlight, at where two Goombas were patrolling in the distance. He stepped forward confidently…

…And thought he heard something squeaking softly.

Mario frowned and turned to his younger brother, Luigi. "What?"

Luigi looked back at him. "Huh?" He asked intelligently.

"You didn't say, 'Good night above, his big foot just squished half our platoon, Puniper!'?"

"No."

"Oh. Never mind."

***END FLASHBACK***

Mario coughed nervously, his face turning a dark purple color. "I guess it just slipped my mind," he said, not wanting to offend the offended Puni.

The Puni calmed down considerably, clearing his throat and saying, "Now, I assume this is about you coming to active duty?"

Mario nodded, showing him the letter.

"Exellent! I am Corporal Punizione. So sorry to tell you this, but most of our Squads are full up. You really should have showed up sooner."

Mario's eyes lit up. Perhaps fate was on his side for once.

Apparently not, because the Paratroopa spoke up. "Hey, Squad M is short one member," she said.

"Good thinking, General Ingresso," the Corporal said, nodding at her. He took Mario's paper and scribbled something on it. "Here is your assignment. Hop to it."

Mario took his paper and sighed dramatically. He wandered around the Courtyard for a few minutes before he found the rest of his squadron.

When he got there, he found that his squadron consisted of himself, a Hammer Bro, a Green Shelled Koopa, a Goomba, a Rex, and a Paratroopa.

"Excuse me," Mario said, handing the Koopa his paper. "I think this is my squadron?"

The Koopa looked at him and his eyes lit up. "Wow!" he said. "Mario's on our side!"

Mario had a suspicion that he'd heard this somewhere before, but he never got a chance to confirm it before the Koopa grabbed him arm and started talking a mile a minute.

"My name's Kooter, I've been on the reserves for years. Over there is Goomber, he used to be an active member until um…you know, he had a… well, he hit his head on something…:"

The Rex snorted. "Yeah, your foot," he told Mario rudely.

"Don't mind King, he's a big jerk," Kooter said soothingly. Goomber looked up, his eyes crossing as a string of drool ran down from the left side of his mouth. He waddled over to Mario and started gumming his pants leg.

Kooter stared at him for a moment, then he cleared his throat and said, "Um, over here is Sledge, our Hammer Bro. He's in the reserves because… well, he's 4F."

Sledge pushed up his thick, square glasses that he'd taped back together in the middle, smiled, and waved at Mario. At least, he though he was waving at Mario. He was actually waving at a telephone pole.

Mario was _not _having warm thoughts about his new squadron's ability to perform right then. Goomber had finished eating Mario's left pants leg and was working on the other one, King was making mean faces at another squadron, and Sledge was wondering why the telephone pole wasn't responding to his friendly gesture of good will.

The red capped plumber turned to the Paratroopa, who was sitting on the ground in a fetal position, rocking slowly and muttering to himself, and asked, "And what about him?"

"Oh, that's Bob. He's agoraphobic."

Mario did have a vague idea what _phobic _meant, Luigi had showed him that. He just wasn't sure what _agora _meant, and he said as much.

"Oh, that just means he's prone to panic attacks whenever he's in an unfamiliar environment or in places he thinks he's not in control."

Mario scratched his head. "Whose idea was it to put him in the army?"

"He said his Mom thought he should meet new people," Kooter explained.

"How's that working out for him?" Mario asked.

"Not so well. He's afraid of meeting new people."

A female Dry Bones in a Sergeant's uniform stomped over to them. (Betcha didn't know they had girl Dry Bones, did you? They're the pinkish/red ones in Paper Mario Thousand Year Door.) She blew a whistle and ordered them to line up.

Although Kooter, Mario, King, Sledge and, Bob all stood in a neat little line, while Goomber started hopping on one foot. Bob was muttering and rocking himself, and Sledge was facing the wrong way.

The Sergeant blew her whistle again. "Shape up, Maggots!" she yelled. "My name is Sergeant Malvagio, and none of you are allowed to eat, sleep, or _breath _without my say so. Got it?"

Bob shrieked at her voice and started hyperventilating. Goomber, attracted to the noise, gave a war cry, jumped on Bob's shell, and started chewing on his head. Needless to say, that didn't do much to make Bob feel better.

"Quick, before he chews Bob's head off!" Kooter yelled, grabbing Goomber and pulling on him. Mario and King helped. and Sledge tried to help, but unfortunately he still couldn't see and grabbed Sergeant Malvagio's head instead.

"Get off of me, you spineless meat sack!" Malvagio shrieked. Since Sledge had no idea he was the one pulling off her head, it didn't really change much.

Finally Kooter, King, and Mario managed to pulled Goomber off of poor Bob, and King beat the insane Goomba into submission with a stick. Bob immediately started hyperventilating again.

"Does anybody have a paper bag?" Kooter asked.

"I have a hat," Mario suggested, handing it to Bob, who shoved his face inside it and started breathing deeply until he could calm down. Then he blew his nose on it and handed it back.

Mario gave him a dirty look and took his hat back.

Then they all convinced Sledge to let go of the drill sergeant's head and got back in formation.

Sergeant Malvagio took a deep breath, put her head back on correctly, and screamed, "ALRIGHT YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SCUM SACKS, DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!!!"

And thus began Mario's life in the Koopa Troop.

* * *

**StarVix's Author's note: After seeing chapter 1 & 2 we noticed a disturbing trend in the review department. There isn't much of one. Hey, if you like the story, by all means leave a review and tell us we are brilliant geniuses who aught to be immortalized forever on this site. And if you hate the story, by all means leave a review and tell us we are sick, twisted, evil geniuses who aught to be locked up somewhere safe where we can not access a computer. It doesn't matter to us either way, as long as you remember to call us geniuses. Our Math teachers certainly don't think that, and you guys certainly can't let our Math teachers get in the last word.**

**gh43's Author's note: StarVix can speak for herself. My Math teacher always compliments my skills, saying each week that it's amazing I'm not behind bars yet. My Principle knows be by name, too. The nice man is my inspiration for Sergeant Malvagio's wonderful personality.**


	4. Rise and Shine, Maggots!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any save the M Squad. StarVix came up with Sergeant Malvagio. We share credit for the plot. We wish we had a bag of chips to share as well, but we have to content ourselves with the plot. A poor compensation, but you must do with the resources you have.**

* * *

Meanwhile, at Bowser's Keep, the King and Queen of the Shroobs are making demands for the Koopa's immediate surrender and subsequent enslavement to Shroobs.

"Do not fight us, and we shall be merciful," The Queen said from the giant screen. (Like the one Princess Shroob used to contact Prince Bowser on the Koopa Cruiser. Luckily, Queen Shroob actually took the time of day to learn English, or Koopian, or whatever language Bowser uses, so making demands is slightly easier on her than it was on her daughter.)

"Aw, shove it up your…whatever you ugly aliens use for ears," Bowser shot back, stick out his tongue at her.

King Shroob smashed his fist on the screen if front of him. Luckily for us and even more luckily for the rating, he _couldn't _speak whatever language it was Koopas use. "$(^&%!(^%`~!!!" he screamed, looking for all the world like he wanted to climb out of the screen and tear Bowser's head off.

"Harold!" Queen Shroob chided. "What did I tell you about losing your temper?"

King Shroob calmed down considerably, still shaking his fist to Bowser.

The Koopa King smirked. "Well, the same to you and more of it."

King Shroob left the transmitting room so that he wouldn't tear anything up. He did do quite a number on a poor Shroob guard who wasn't Bowser, but would do for now.

"Now, where were we?" The Queen asked, thinking deeply. "Oh, yes, I remember. As I was saying, Mr. Koopa, you really don't understand your predicament. I know that you want what's best for your people, and unless you surrender yourselves to us we will destroy them all. At least by allowing us to take control your species will be allowed to live."

"As slaves, you mean," Bowser said darkly.

"If you don't, you will die," The Queen declared.

Bowser stood up, his eyes blazing. "Look here, Queen Ugly Mug, we Koopas are conquerors, _not _slaves! While our enemies and even a few of our friends agree that we are not the smartest or the most trustworthy, _everybody _knows that Koopas don't quit! And we certainly don't surrender to yahoos like you! So put that in your pipe and smoke it, buster!"

The Queen regarded him, sizing up her competition before she nodded. "So be it," she told him, ending the transmission.

As soon as the screen went dark, Bowser sat back down, all traces of defiance leaving his features, replaiced with an unnatural weariness. He sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands.

"Did I do the right thing?" he asked aloud. Nobody was there with him, so there really wasn't any point in asking, but he did anyway. Then he sat up, a new determination in his eyes.

"Of course I did," he said. "I will not sit back and allow those alien termites to kill and enslave my people. Koopas do _not _surrender! We force others to surrender!" He stood up, strode to the door, and looked out to the guard in the hallway.

"Go get the royal messengers. Have them deliver a message to Admiral Ammiraglio. It's official. The Koopa Kingdom is at war."

* * *

Mario yawned and rubbed his eyes. He sat up, yawning as he muttered, "Hey, Luigi, I just had the worst nightmare ever."

Suddenly, Kooter looked down from the bunk above him. "Who's Luigi?" he asked.

Mario paled. "It was real!" he shrieked, uncharacteristically frightened. In fact, the only thing that scared him more than this was encyclopedia salesmen.*

Mario's shrieking woke up Bob, who was just as disoriented and panicky as the plumber.

"Who, what, when, where, why?" he blurted, rolling out of bed with his blanket entangling him. "Help! I'm being eaten alive!" he screamed.

Goomber jumped on top of him and started dancing, making odd screeching noises as he did.

From his own bunk, King yawned and looked around. "Would you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep!"

At that inopportune time, who should charge in, practically busting down the door, than Sergeant Malvagio herself, blowing that cursed whistle of hers.

"Rise and shine maggots! Get your fat, bloated, lazy carcasses off those beds or I'll tear off your own legs and beat you to death with them!" she screamed in that oh-so-charming manner of hers.

Under his blanket, Bob sobbed loudly, crawling into a fetal position and keeping a close eye on his legs. Goomber sat down and began chewing on his own leg.

Kooter, Mario, and King begrudgingly crawled out from their own beds and stood up, King's head still nodding with sleep.

Malvagio stomped over to Goomber and Bob, rearing back and kicking Goomber with all her might.

"YEAHAHAHA!!!" Goomber yelled until he went splat on a window*. He slid down slowly, a trail of drool marking his progress.

Meanwhile, the Sergeant yanked the blanket off Bob, grabbed the paratroopa by the wing, and literally dragged him over to where the other three were lined up. "I SAID GET TO YOUR FEET, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TOAD DUNG!!!"

Bob screamed hysterically as he stood next to and slightly behind Mario, whom he had instinctively determined was capable of protecting him from the Sergeant's wrath.

Mario may not have been the safest person behind which to cower, however, because the sergeant stomped right up to him as Goomber regained consciousness and waddled back to the line up, grinning idiotically.

"How'd you get in the army, fat boy?" Malvagio snapped, flicking his nose, which continued wobbling a few extra times.

"I don't know," Mario admitted. "I think somebody made a mistake."

"You bet there's been a mistake!" Malvagio snarled. "And I'm going to fix it, chubby cheeks! I do not exaggerate when I say that this is the most pathetic, worthless, good-for-nothing group of yahoos it has ever been my displeasure to see crawl out of their perspective rocks and into my barracks! But by the time I get through with you, I will have preformed a miracle and have made you into something the Koopa military force can be proud of, even if I have to _kill you all _in the process! Do you understand me?"

Silence.

"I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!"

Bob raised his hand. "When you say kill us, do you mean literally or as a figure of speach?"

Malvagio glared at him for a few seconds. "I WANT YOU ALL TO GET YOUR LAZY BUMS OUT OF MY BARRACKS, AND THEN I WANT YOU ALL TO DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, AND THEN YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SCRUB OUT THE LATRINES USING YOUR TONGUES AND A HALF A BAR OF SOAP!!! MOVE IT, YOU LUGBRAINS!!!"

Kooter raised an eyebrow. "That's unsanitary!" he protested.

Malvagio took a deep breath, her eyes closed. Then she yelled, "JUST FOR THAT, I'M NOT LETTING YOU USE THE SOAP!!!"

* * *

* It's a little known fact that Mario's only fear is of Encyclopedia salesmen. Actually, it's just one salesman in particular, the dreaded Sam the Shoe Salesman, who honestly shouldn't be selling encyclopedias in the first place. For some reason, however, Sam does indeed sell encyclopedias, but only to Mario. Sam is crude, his encyclopedia set is out of order, and he is a disturbing shade of puce. He also smells like cheese. Just why this makes him scary is hard to explain if you've never seen him, but trust us. He's a very creepy guy.

* It's a littler known fact that Koopa windows are not made out of glass. They used to be made out of glass. Then Bowser got tired of they way the light used to be able to, no matter how he was positioned, shine in his eyes in the mornings he got to sleep in. He got so fed up, in fact, that he decided to make windows out of something else. So to this day, all the windows in the Koopa Kingdom are made out of solid rock. While it does nothing to improve the scenery, it certainly kept the light out of Bowser's eyes


	5. The Council of WAR! And latrine duty

**gh43: It's me again! You can't get rid of me! I'm like a wart. I do not own Mario. I do own all original characters.**

**StarVix: Ahem…**

**gh43: Oh, alright, fine! WE own all original characters. There, are you happy?  
StarVix:…AND…?  
gh43: Fine! StarVix owns everything! StarVix owns me! StarVix owns the pentagon! Are you satisfied NOW???**

**StarVix: I don't want everything, you, and the pentagon. I just want that bag of Twinkies you're holding.**

**gh43: Oh…MINE!!! **

**StarVix: GIMME!!!**

**(READ THE STORY WHILE WE BEAT EACH OTHER UP FOR TWINKIES, OK?)**

* * *

King Bowser Koopa waltzed into his war room and nodded at his advisors, Corporal Punizione, who we've met, and the two military officials who had been with him, the Paratroopa, whose name was General Ingresso, and the red-shelled Koopa, Admiral Ammiraglio.

"Corporal, General, Admiral," the Koopa King greeted them pleasantly at the three, who acknowledged him similarly.

"King Bowser, we were discussing our most logical tactics for fighting the Shroob army," Admiral Ammiraglio said, as Bowser sat down at the table.

Bowser nodded thoughtfully. "What have you got so far?"

General Ingresso shifted nervously and said, "Um…we were kind of thinking that someone could sneak behind enemy lines and hit one of them with a thick rock we tied to a stick," he explained.

Bowser's jaw hit the floor. "What?" he asked. "That has to be the worst plan of attack ever! The Flat-Bushed Poppoies* can come up with a better plan than that!"

Corporal Punizione nodded and explained, "Maybe, but it's all we got."

"What about biogenic warfare? We could unleash a virus on them that would give them orange splotches, itchy rashes, and make 'em foam at the mouth," Bowser suggested.

The military officials nodded like good little kiss-ups. "An excellent idea, sire."

"Well? Get our biogenic scientists on it right away!" Bowser ordered.

"We can't sir," Admiral Ammiraglio said apologetically. "They've called in sick."

"Say what?"

"Something about orange itchy rashes and foaming mouths," General Ingresso explained.

"Curses!" Bowser slammed his fist on the table angrily. "Well, how about nuclear missiles?"

"Um, we used them all up," Corporal Punizione reminded him gently. "So we could write your name on the moon, remember?"

Bowser frowned and looked out his window (An impressive feat since it's made out of solid rock) and glanced at the moon. The words 'Queen Bowwow' was etched on it.

"Oh, yeah," Bowser muttered. "What did we do with the yahoo who spelled that?"

"You put Bowser Jr in time out," Admiral Ammiraglio said.

"Ah, I remember now," Bowser shook his head. "Five days in kindergarten and he still can't spell my own name. Kids today. What are you going to do?"

"It's a mystery, sire," Corporal Punizione admitted.

"I didn't want your opinion. Don't be such a kiss-up," Bowser chastised him. "I want to be surrounded by people who will give me their honest opinion, even if it means disagreeing with me and having their heads chopped off. Now, where were we? Oh, I remember. We were discussing battle plans. And all you came up with was hitting the enemy on the head with a rock."

"A rock tied to a stick, sire," General Ingresso said defensively. "That really hurts."

Bowser closed his eyes and buried his head in his hands. This was going to be a _loooooong _war council.

* * *

It had been five hours since their latrine duty was given to them and M Squad was just now finishing up. Mario and his crew stumbled out of the last outhouse, their faces an interesting shade of green.

"I have seen the toilet of evil," Kooter gasped, sucking in as much clean, not-latrine air as he possibly could.

King looked around the boot camp and screamed to any within hearing distance, "What do you people _do _in those things, anyway?"

Off in the distance, a random military guy heard him, blushed a strange shade of mauve, and coughed nervously, turning and leaving surprisingly quickly for a hardened army Koopa.

Mario was fanning his nose with his hat, also gasping like a fish out of water, and asked, "What I want to know is, where has Sledge been all day?"

Goomber, the only member of the squad who didn't seem to have any adverse reactions to cleaning out an outhouse all day, made a strange noise and stuck his tongue out so far it practically disappeared into his nostril.

"That's amazing," Kooter said, watching the slightly crazed Goomber. "Especially since Goombas don't have noses."

"Lucky," King said enviously.

"Hey, guys!"

The sound of a familiar voice caused them to turn and see Sledge, who was coming towards them, waving. He walked into a flagpole, stared at it for a long second, and then cautiously maneuvered around it, continuing toward his squadron.

"Sledge, where have you been?" Mario asked.

"In the barracks. Man," Sledge put his hands on his back and stretched, looking uncomfortable. "Those things felt like you're sleeping on a tree truck."

"Sledge, I hate to tell you this," Kooter said, "but you probably were sleeping on a tree trunk."

"Again!? Dang it!" Sledge stomped his foot and sighed sadly. "Well, that explains why it felt like a twig was boring its way between my rib cage and my spleen."

Sergeant Malvagio walked towards them, having completed her inspection of the toiletries. "I'm impressed," she admitted grudgingly.

"You actually managed to do something right. You might have found your calling."

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed every squad member except Goomber, who was trying to drool on his forehead, and Sledge, who really had no idea what anyone was talking about.

Bob instantly fell to his knees, sobbing in a heart wrenching manner as he wrapped his arms around Malvagio's feet. "Please, please, no… please…I'm begging you…"

Sergeant Malvagio kicked him off of her feet and looked at him in disgust. "What are you, a dog?" she spat.

"I can play fetch," King offered.

"As long as my name's not Old Yeller, I can handle being a dog," Mario admitted. "Dogs don't clean latrines."

Goomber nodded and barked like a dog.

"Are we playing a game?" Sledge asked innocently.

"So, you like to play games, do you?" Malvagio said in a quiet, calm voice. It sent shivers down the spines of everyone around her, it was just that inherently creepy.

"Um…yes?" Sledge squeaked, suddenly very unsure of himself.

Malvagio's eyes glinted in a way that foretold great personal pain for the M Squad and said, "I have the _perfect _game for you to play. Follow me."

The newly doomed squadron half-heartedly started to follow her to whatever torments she had planned. But apparently, she was not pleased with their speed, for she turned and shrieked, "PICK UP THE PACE!!! DOUBLE TIME, YOU BROKEN LEGGED DONKEY TURTLES**!!!"

Everyone in the M Squad, even Mario, gave a started yelp and started moving faster.

* * *

* The Flat-Bushed Poppoies are very simple minded and brain dead dandelion-type creatures who were wiped out of existence some three hundred fifty years ago by the Koopa race. The Poppoies' strategy if attacked was to brutally kick their enemies to death. However, since they were basically sentient plants, their legs were roots and were underground. And when a plant's roots are pulled out of the ground to kick people, the plant inevitably dies. So it is no wonder the Flat-Bushed Poppoies are extinct. It's a wonder the species survived as long as it did, which was exactly two and a half minutes.

** A Donkey Turtle is a verrrrrrrrrrrry slow donkey.


End file.
